I'm not beautiful 'cause I not shiney.

Tonight as we begin our snuggle routine, John Lennon's "Beautiful Boy" comes on the boom box and I look at Eddie and tell him, "You are a beautiful boy." "No," he says. "I'm not beautiful 'cause I not shiney." What does this mean? I have no idea, but I thought it was funny.

Earlier we were at the Y, the boys in child watch and Steph and I working out. While in the shower, I heard an announcement but assumed it was the "Child Watch is closing in 15 minutes" thing. But I had sort of a nagging feeling that maybe I'd missed my name. Sure enough, when I got there to pick them up, Eddie was standing looking very sad. They told me he had been sobbing and they couldn't comfort him. They had paged me but I didn't hear. They said it was just about 10 minutes earlier, so it may have been what I heard while showering. I felt/feel terrible. He looked so sad -- he puckered up and almost lost it again when I saw him. He's going through such a sensitive stage.

On the way home, he told me repeatedly that he was too sad to love me and too sad for me to love him. Finally, Chas started telling me that some kid took Percy from Eddie and "That's not very nice." So possibly it was toy thievery that sparked his sadness. But we'll never know for sure. What we do know is that Eddie was sad and needed me and I wasn't there. It's unavoidable and I'm sure it will happen again and in fact it's probably happened before. But it still leaves me feeling, what? Sorrow? Guilt? Pangs of both, really, combined with a fear that next time it will be for more than a few minutes and over something more important than a toy or hurt feelings. Life is gonna make my boys sad sometimes. It can't really be any other way and I know the sadness adds a richness and dimension to their lives that unending bliss simply couldn't. But it still makes my heart ache when I think of all the hurts I can't kiss better, the pain I'll never ease and the fears I'll never soothe.

Wow. How the hell did I get so serious? Can you imagine how bereft I'll be when their first girlfriends ditches them? I'd better up my Zoloft now.